My+favorite+corny+jokes

"A lost day is one in which you have not laughed." Laugh 12 times a day! "Do not just teach children; also give them joy!" "You can do anything with children, as long as you play with them." "The best thing to include in a survival kit is a sense of humor."

MRS. NORLAND'S HOME
We simply could not start off each day without a joke on the board! It was just a tradition and believe me, well worth it! :)

__BACK TO SCHOOL JOKES: AUGUST - SEPTEMBER__
(First day of school:) 1. What did the mama and papa buffalo say to the boy buffalo as he went to school? BISON

2. Why was the baby ant so confused? BECAUSE ALL OF HIS UNCLES WERE AUNTS/ANTS

3. Why were the elephants not allowed to go to the swimming pool? THEY KEPT DROPPING THEIR TRUNKS

4. What kind of dinner music is played at Chinese restaurants? CHOPSTICKS

5. What do you give a teacher on the first week of school? A SUPPLIES PARTY

6. Why couldn't Noah play cards on the arc? HE WAS STANDING ON THE DECK

7. Why didn't the dog want to play football? IT WAS A BOXER

8. If all the cars in America were pink, what would we have? A PINK CARNATION

9. Why did the ram fall off of the cliff? HE DIDN'T SEE THE EWE TURN

10. Why did Cinderella wait so long at the photo shop? SHE WAS WAITING FOR HER PRINTS TO COME

11. What are a pig's two favorite subjects? PORKESTRA AND GEOHOGRAPHY

12. What number does a pig call when there's an emergency? SWINE-ONE-ONE

13. How did the pig get to the hospital? IN AN HAMBULANCE

14. Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself? IT'S TWO TIRED

15. What stays in one corner, but goes all around the world? A STAMP

16. What piece of wood is like a king? A RULER

17. What goes up but never comes down? YOUR AGE

18. What coat do you put on wet? A COAT OF PAINT

19. Where can you always find money in a classroom? IN THE DICTIONARY

20. The more it dries, the wetter it gets. What is it? A TOWEL

21. What are the best tools to use in Math? MULTI-PLYERS

22. Why were the teacher's eyes crossed when she came home from school? SHE COULDN'T CONTROL HER PUPILS

23. Why did the kids get in trouble in Music class? FOR PASSING NOTES

24. What did the mama and papa camel name their baby camel who was born without a hump? HUMPHREY (HUMP-free)

25. Why did the male deer need braces? FOR HIS BUCK TEETH

26. What do you call a grizzly bear without teeth? A GUMMY BEAR

27.What do you call a computer super hero? A SCREEN SAVER

28. How does a butcher introduce his wife? MEET PATTY

29. Who is bigger? Mr. Bigger, or Mr. Bigger's baby? MR. BIGGER'S BABY IS A LITTLE BIGGER

30. What does one star say to another star when they meet? GLAD TO METEOR

31. How does the man in the moon cut his hair? E-CLIPSE IT

32. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A-FLAT MINER

33. What word starts with "e" and ends with "e" yet only has one letter in it? ENVELOPE

32. Forwards I am heavy; backwards I am NOT. What am I? TON

33. What has 18 legs and catches flies? A BASEBALL TEAM

34.What did Bambi put on the back of his car? A THUMPER STICKER

35. Why was the broom late to school? I T OVERSWEPT

36. Why did the lion spit out the clown? IT TASTED FUNNY

37. What vegetable is extra special? V.I.P.

38. Why did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? NOTHING. IT JUST LET OUT A LITTLE WINE.

39. How do we know that Adam was a champion runner? HE WAS THE FIRST IN THE HUMAN RACE

40. What are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days? THE REST ARE WEAK DAYS

__ EGYPT JOKES: __ 41. Where do Egyptian mummies go to get their backs fixed? CAIROPRACTOR

42. Which ancient statue in Egypt has a skunk body and pharaoh's head? THE STYNX (STINKS)

43. If an egg were floating down the Nile, where would it have come from? THE CHICKEN

44. What kind of music do mummies like the best? WRAP

__ OCTOBER JOKES / HALLOWEEN JOKES __ 45. (October 11: Columbus Day) How did Columbus pay for his trip to America? HE USED HIS DISCOVER CARD

46. What did the skeleton get from being in the sun too long? A SKELETAN

47. Why didn't the skeleton enjoy the dance? HE HAD NO BODY TO DANCE WITH

48. Why do ghosts make such great cheerleaders? THEY HAVE SUCH SPIRIT

49. How do you fix a broken Jack-O-Lantern? USE A PUMPKIN PATCH

50. Where do little ghosts stay during the day, when their parents are at work? DAY SCARE CENTERS

51. What kind of dog does Dracula have? A BLOODHOUND

52. What is a vampire's least favorite meal? STEAK (STAKE)

53. What sport was the vampire's favorite? CASKETBALL

54. What kind of a street does a ghost live on? DEAD END

55. What does a vampire take for a cold? COFFIN DROPS

56. What kind of hot cereal does a ghost like? SCREAM OF WHEAT

57. What kind of fruit do ghosts put on their cereal? BOO BERRIES

58. What is a ghost's favorite pasta? SPOOK-GHETTI

59. What patriotic song to ghosts like the best? AMERICA THE BOOTIFUL

60. What hotel does a skeleton stay at? REST INN PEACE

61. What is a ghost's favorite jewel? A TOMBSTONE

62. What do little girl monsters go door-to-door selling? GHOUL SCOUT COOKIES

__ON TO NOVEMBER...__

63. What did the astronaut see in his frying pan? UNIDENTIFIED FRYING OBJECT

64. How can a horse with no rider have six legs? TWO LEGS IN BACK AND FORELEGS IN FRONT

65. What do you call a pig who can do karate? PORK CHOP

66. How do you get an egg to laugh? TELL IT A YOLK AND SEE IT CRACK UP

67. What do you call a monkey in a dynamite factory? BABOOM

68. Why did the cow cross the road? TO GET TO THE UDDER SIDE

69. Why is Alabama the smartest state in the U.S.A.? IT HAS 4 A'S AND 1 B

70. Where do rabbits learn to fly? IN THE HARE FORCE

71. Why was the lamb wandering down Main Street in the middle of the night? IT WAS SHEEPWALKING

72. Why did Mickey Mouse get hit by the ball, but Donald didn't? DONALD DUCKED

73. Two ships carrying paint collided with each other. One carried red paint and the other carried blue paint. What happened to the survivors? THEY WERE MAROONED

__ THANKSGIVING JOKES __ 74. Why can't you take a turkey to church with you? IT USES FOWL LANGUAGE

75. What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede? 100 DRUMSTICKS

76. What comes at the end of Thanksgiving? "G"

77. Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? IT WAS TRYING TO HATCH-ET

78. What is blue and covered with feathers? A TURKEY HOLDING ITS BREATH

79. Why couldn't the turkey eat one more bite? IT WAS STUFFED

80. What is the Pilgrim's favorite dance? THE PLYMOUTH ROCK

__ DECEMBER / CHRISTMAS JOKES __ 81. What did the snowman ride on to get to school? HIS ICICLE, OR THE COOL BUS

82. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas? HE FELT HIS PRESENCE (PRESENTS)

83. What do you get when you cross Santa with an alien spacecraft? A U.F. HO HO HO

84. What kind of cereal does a snowman like? FROSTED FLAKES

85. Who is Frosty the Snowman's aunt? AUNT-ARCTICA

86. What's the name of a Christmas carol sung in Africa? JUNGLE BELLS

87. What's the name of a Christmas carol sung by Mexican sheep? FLEECE NAVIDAD

88. Why does Santa like to work in the garden? HE LIKES TO HOE-HOE-HOE

89. How is a lion in the desert like Christmas? THEY BOTH HAVE SANDY CLAWS

90. Did you know there were nine reindeer? OLIVE, THE OTHER REINDEER

91. What nationality is Santa? NORTH POLISH

92. Who gives present to baby sharks? SANTA JAWS

93. How is the Christmas alphabet different from the regular alphabet? NO "L" (NOEL)

94. What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus as they looked out the window during the thunderstorm? "LOOK OUT THE WINDOW AND SEE THE RAIN, DEAR. (REINDEER)"

95. If athletes get athletes' foot, what do astronauts get at Christmas time? MISTLETOE

96. Why does Santa like to go down the chimney? BECAUSE IT SOOTS HIM

97. What do you call it if you have a fear of Santa? CLAUSTROPHOBIA

98. What did the woodman's wife say to the woodman as Christmas got closer? THERE'S NOT MANY CHOPPING DAYS LEFT

99. What kind of motorcycle would Santa like to drive? A HOLLY DAVIDSON

100. What did Adam say to Eve the day before Christmas? IT'S CHRISTMAS, EVE 101. What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? **COMET** (Thanks, Tabatha Ihnken!)

__ ON TO JANUARY... __ 1. Why did the man name his mean dog "Frost"? BECAUSE FROST BITES

2. Why should you never tell jokes to a pile of snow? BECAUSE IT DOESN'T GET YOUR DRIFT

// ADULT:. What is the difference between snowwomen and snowmen? SNOWBALLS //

3. What kind of car does Luke Skywalker drive? A TOY-YODA

4. David's father has three sons: Snap, Crackle, and _? DAVID

5. Why was the band teacher struck by lightning? HE WAS A GOOD CONDUCTOR

6. How much did the pirate pay for the corn on the cob? A BUCK-AN-EAR

7. Why should you take an extra pair of pants with you, when you go play golf? IN CASE YOU GET A HOLE IN ONE

8. Why did the mom send her son in the army an extra shoe? BECAUSE HE SAID HE HAD GROWN ANOTHER FOOT

9. What does a computer call its parents? MAMA AND DATA

10. When should you not eat a box of animal crackers? WHEN THE SEAL IS BROKEN

11. What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air? A DEAD CENTIPEDE

12. How are wolves like playing cards? WHEN THEY COME IN PACKS

13. What does a boxer drink? PUNCH

14. Why did the lady go outside holding her purse open? SHE EXPECTED SOME CHANGE IN THE WEATHER

15. How is the moon like a dollar? IT HAS FOUR QUARTERS

16. How could you make a sweater on the computer? USE THE INTERKNIT

17. How would you know you were eating rabbit stew? IT HAS HARES IN IT

18. What two letters spell a number less than 100? A T

19. Why did the rope get a detention? FOR BEING KNOTTY

20. What is it that belongs to you, but more people use it than you do? YOUR NAME

21. What subjects does a runner like the most in school? JOGRAPHY, MATH-LETE, AND LANGUAGE ARTS (RUN-ONS)

__GREEK JOKES:__ 22. Why did the Greek god send flowers to the Greek goddess? HE MYTHED HER

23. Where were the first french fries made? IN GREECE

24. Which Greek god wrote popular books for kids? DR. ZEUS

25. Which Greek goddess own a beauty salon? HERA, AFRO-DITE

26. Why did the Cyclops have to shut down the school? THERE WAS ONLY ONE PUPIL

27. Which country catches colds? GERMANY

28. What's the laziest mountain in the world? MOUNT EVEREST

29. __(Kansas Day, January 29)__ What do you need to bake a Kansas Day cake? SUN FLOUR

30. How do you make a space party? YOU PLANET

31. What is the best thing about a baseball game to a dog? GETTING TO WALK

__ FEBRUARY/ VALENTINES DAY __ 32. Why is a calendar so popular? IT HAS LOTS OF DATES

33. __(Groundhog's Day, February 2)__ Where does a rich groundhog go when he stays in France? IN A FRENCH CHATEAU (shadow)

33. What do pigs give each other on Valentines Day? VALENSWINES

34. Why do watermelons have to have a formal wedding? BECAUSE THEY CANT-ELOPE

35. What did the painter say to his girlfriend? I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY ART

36. What did the caveman give his wife? UGHS AND KISSES, AND A ROCK

37. Why is the letter "v" like a newly wed? BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS FOUND IN LOVE

38. What flowers are the most kissable? TULIPS

39. Where do rabbits go after they are married? ON THEIR BUNNYMOON

40. What did Ronald McDonald give to Wendy when they got married? AN ONION RING

41. What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? OUCH!

42. What caused the candle to fall in love? IT MET ITS PERFECT MATCH

43. What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? DO YOU LAVA ME LIKE I LAVA YOU?

44. What did one fir tree say to the other fir tree on Feb, 14? WILL YOU BE MY VALENPINE?

45. What do little potatoes play on, on the playground? TATER TOTTER

46. What is a frog's favorite drink? CROAKA COLA

47. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? NACHO CHEESE

48. What happens to frogs that sit in a no-parking zone? THEY GET TOAD/TOWED AWAY

49. Why don't Swedes export their cattle? THEY WANT TO KEEP THEIR STOCK-HOME

50. Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory? HE COULDN'T CONCENTRATE

51.How does a quiet Hawaiian laugh? WITH A-LOW-HA / ALOHA

52. What boa constrictor once ruled Europe? JULIUS SQUEEZER

53. Who was a famous fruit conquerer? ALEXANDER THE GRAPE (but he didn't cross the GRAPE WALL)

54. Where are the best sandwiches found in India? NEW DELHI

55. Why is is hard to find honey in Boston? THERE'S ONLY ONE 'B' IN BOSTON

56. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? IT WAS FEELING CRUMMY

57. What do you call a monkey who likes to eat potato chips? A CHIPMONK

58. How did the firefly feel when he flew into a fan? DELIGHTED

__MARCH / ST. PATRICK'S DAY__ 59. When is an Irish potato not an Irish potato? WHEN IT'S A FRENCH FRY

60. Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? BECAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE SHORT

61. Why don't you iron a four-leaf clover? YOU DON'T WANT TO PRESS YOUR LUCK

62. What day of the year is a command? MARCH 4TH

__March 17th, St. Patrick's day (click here)__

63. How many ears did Davy Crockett have? THREE! LEFT EAR, RIGHT EAR, AND A WILD FRONTIER

64. What do cheerleaders eat for breakfast? CHEERIOS!

65. What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate? A HERSHEY BAAAA

66. What is lighter than a feather, but you can't even hold it for 3 minutes? YOUR BREATH

67. What is a cat's favorite cereal? MICE CRISPIES

68. What can you serve, but never eat? A TENNIS BALL, A VOLLEYBALL, A DETENTION, A MEAL....

69. Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? BECAUSE HER PUPILS WERE SO BRIGHT

70. Why was the boy covered in gift wrap? HE WAS LIVING IN THE PRESENT

71. Why was the boy jumping up and down on the bed as hard as he could? HE COULDN'T WAIT FOR SPRING BREAK

72. Why didn't the dime follow the nickel into the lake? THE DIME HAD MORE CENTS

73. What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake? IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT

74. What's the wife of a hippie called? MISSISSIPPI

75. What makes the prairie flat? THE SUN SETS ON IT EVERY NIGHT

76. Why do kangaroos hate rainy days? THE KIDS HAVE TO PLAY INSIDE

77. What has more lives than a cat? A FROG. IT CROAKS EVERY NIGHT.

__APRIL - MAY (Kids start volunteering to write the joke of the day)__

78. __April Fool's Day, April 1:__ Why are you so tired on the first day of April? YOU'VE JUST HAD A 31 DAY MARCH!

79. What is a secret agent's favorite critter? A SPY-DER

80. Why doesn't the tree like checkers? IT'S A CHESS-NUT

81. What do you call a pickle that gets run over? ROAD DILL

82. Why did the chef get arrested? FOR BEATING THE EGGS

83. Why are baseball umpires good eaters? THEY ALWAYS CLEAN THEIR PLATES

84. What insect would make the best outfielder and why? A SPIDER. IT'S GREAT AT CATCHING FLIES

85. Why is a game of baseball like a pancake? THEY BOTH NEED GOOD BATTERS

86. Why was the musician such a great ball player? HE HAD PERFECT PITCH

87. What kind of a book did the skunk write? A BEST SMELLER

88. What do sleeping butterflies rest their heads on? CATER-PILLOWS

89. What does the sun drink out of? SUNGLASSES

90. Why are flowers so lazy? THEY STAY IN THEIR FLOWER BEDS ALL DAY

91. Why does steak taste better in space? BECAUSE IT'S METEOR

92. What do farmers like the best about school? FIELD TRIPS

93. What happens when the teacher is sick at the Naval Academy? THEY HIRE A SUB

94. Why don't fish go near computers? THEY MIGHT GET CAUGHT IN THE INTERNET

95. What day of the week do chickens hate? FRY-DAY

96. What are dino bandages used for? DINO SORES

97. Why did everyone become friends with the mushroom? HE WAS SUCH A FUN-GI

98. How does the gingerbread man make his bed? HE USES COOKIE SHEETS

99. How do you make a baby snake cry? TAKE AWAY HIS RATTLE

100. What do you call two trees floating down the river? A PAIR OF SWIMMING TRUNKS

101. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? PILGRIMS!

102. What do prisoners use to call each other? CELLPHONES

103. Why did they stop feeding the prisoners chocolate? THEY STARTED TO BREAK OUT

104. Where do sick boats go to feel better? TO THE DOCK

105. Why is your nose your best friend? IT WILL RUN FOR YOU UNTIL IT DROPS

106. Why is your nose in the middle of your face? BECAUSE THAT'S THE SCENTER

107. What did the judge say when the skunk ran into the courtroom? ODOR IN THE COURT

108. Why shouldn't you pass gas in church? BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO SIT IN YOUR OWN PEW

109. If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you are IN the bathroom? EUROPEAN

110. When is the best day and time to go to the dentist? TOOTHSDAY AT TOOTH-HURTY

111. What is a musician's favorite cereal? FLUTE LOOPS

112. What kind of deoderant did the drummer use? ROCK AND ROLL ON

113. What did the band teacher tell the barber? TAKE IT FROM THE TOP

114. What do musicians take with them when going into a store? CHOPIN LISZT

115. Why did Beethoven kill all his chickens? THEY WERE RUNNING AROUND GOING "BACH! BACH! BACH!"

116. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? TUBA TOOTHPASTE

117. What can you do to both a flower and your nose? PICK IT!

118. What is a nose's favorite restaurant? BOOGER KING

119. Why did the sea monster eat five ships carrying potatoes? NO ONE CAN EAT JUST ONE POTATO SHIP

120. How do you communicate with a fish? DROP HIM A LINE

121. What kind of birds can sing a duet? TOU-CAN

123. What makes the white lines on the ocean? AN OCEAN LINER

124. If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? BAGEL

125. What kind of a semi-truck did the pig drive? AN 18 SQUEALER

126. Where do pigs kick off in the Super bowl? 35 LARD LINE

127. Where did the pig go to get his eyes checked? SLOPTOMETRIST

128. What is the new pirate movie rated? ARRGH!

129. Where do rabbits learn to fly? IN THE HARE FORCE

130. What do you call 100 rabbits in a row hopping backwards? A RECEDING HARE LINE

131. Why do toadstools grow so close together? There's not MUSHROOM (Thanks, Jennifer Desbien!:)

132. What did the horse say when he fell down? Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy-up! (Thanks, Gail Konzem)

I COULD KEEP GOING ON FOR A 100 MORE, BUT THIS WILL GET YOU THROUGH THE SCHOOL YEAR!

133. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died last week? He pasta way.

134. How do you kill a circus? You go for the juggler.

135. What did one cat say to the other cat? COME ON OVER HERE AND CHECK ME-OWT !

136.What did the mama cow say to the baby calf? IT'S PASTURE BEDTIME!

137. Why did the cowboy adopt the doggie? TO GET ALONG LITTLE DOGGIE !

138. Do I know any Physics jokes? Hmmmm.... Let's see : Two atoms were walking down the street. One atom says, "I think I lost an electron!" The other atom says, "Are you sure?" "I'm positive."

139. Did you know why you can never hear a Pterodactyl when it's going to the bathroom? BECAUSE ITS "P" IS SILENT!

140. What did the digital watch say to the Grandfather Clock? LOOK, GRANDPA, NO HANDS!

141. Why can you never trust an Atom? BECAUSE THEY MAKE UP EVERYTHING!

142. What does a clock do when it's hungry? IT GOES BACK FOUR SECONDS.

143. How does NASA organize parties? They Planet! (Thanks Kendra Austin!)

144. What do you call an alligator in a vest? AN INVESTIGATOR! (Thanks, Donna Nickel!)

145. What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? ATTIRE

146. Where did Noah keep the bees? IN THE ARK-HIVES (Thanks, Jordan McKinney!)

147. What did the fisherman say to the magician? PICK A COD, ANY COD (Thanks Barb Malm and Julie Aeschliman!)

148. What do you call a fat psychic? A FOUR CHIN TELLER! (Thanks Heidi!)

149. What does a pirate say on his birthday when he finally joins the Octogenarians? I'M EIGHTY (Aye-matey) Thanks Kathy and Brett!

150. Where did the owl have his bachelor party? HOOTERS!

151. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A POUCH POTATO ! (Thanks, Kaitlyn Ralston!)

152. How many eye doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ONE or two, OR maybe three, or two, or one, or two? (Thanks Tara Paulsen!)

PIRATE JOKES!! 1. What do you call a pirate that skips class? CAPTAIN HOOKY 2. How do you save a drowning pirate? Use C-P-Arrgh! 3. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A BUCCANEER! 4. What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday? "I"m Matey!" 5. What kind of grades did the pirate get in school? HIGH C'S

Here's a PDF FILE of all 243 jokes.